As we enter this holiday season, I consider how much I love this time of year – the excitement of multiple parties with family and friends, shopping, giving and receiving gifts, the weather (fall and winter are always pretty nice and mild in Houston), and the change of a new year right around the corner. But for many the holidays bring painful memories of times past and present. I write this to you.
As much as I love this time of year, my family experienced a holiday season that I would’ve given anything to not have to walk through. It was the weekend of October 14, 2005, fall was in the air and my three youngest children, Blake (10), Rachel (7), and Isaac (6), were at the kitchen table intently writing their Christmas lists. Yes, they believed in starting early! They were the cutest lists you have ever seen, lots of misspellings but their wishes were clear. The following Tuesday, my husband Adam was driving our four youngest children to school – which included our son Jake (12) – when they were involved in a horrible car accident due to throttle and brake malfunctions. There were no survivors. As you can imagine, it was the worst day of our lives. We had four older children, P.J. (18), Samantha (17), Amber (16), and Austin (14), a combination of his and mine. In those first hours, I felt no sense of hope and absolutely could not see a future. But we lived a life for Jesus, and He was faithful to pick us up and tangibly wrap His arms around us. Having lived for the Lord for twelve years at that time, I was experiencing a grace of God that I didn’t even know existed. This grace brought a sense of protection, peace, comfort, and over the following months, healing.
In the midst of this devastating, life-altering situation, the holidays were not stopping for us. If anything, it felt as if they were raging forward. We went directly into Thanksgiving, Rachel’s birthday, Christmas, Jake’s birthday in January and five days later Isaac’s birthday, Valentines Day, Blake’s birthday in April and then our wedding anniversary in June. I point this out because I never noticed how many holidays we had until I began living in dread of them. I wanted to run away, disappear, hide, leave the country, anything to not have to face these holidays. But God was my refuge and strength, my ever present help in time of trouble. [Ps. 46:1] As I would sit on the couch listening to worship music, the Lord began to pour his healing oil upon me. [Is. 61:1-3] It was during these times that He began to counsel me regarding the desire to run. I began to understand that if I would face this devastation in His presence and with His truths, then it would not be able to overtake me. His truths: (1) that my family was alive [John 11:25]; (2) the kids and I were still meant to have abundant life on this Earth [John 10:10]; and, (3) the hope of Heaven [Col. 1:5]. My greatest day was when I realized that although this situation was bigger than me, my God was bigger than it. In His presence, all things are truly possible. [Luke 18:27]
With each holiday I would sit with the Lord and cry many tears. When you cry with Jesus, those tears will bring freedom and healing. I took the time to face the loss of my husband and children individually, knowing in my heart that we would only be separated for a season. I no longer desired to run from the holidays but instead, as a family, we all embraced each day. Although it was difficult to walk through those days without them here, we entrusted them to Jesus. Healing continued.
It was June 6, 2006, my wedding anniversary. The Lord woke me at 6:00 a.m. and said, “Zephaniah.” I didn’t know what scripture to read so I started in the beginning. And when I got to Zephaniah 3:17-18 – these words came to life:
“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. The sorrows for the appointed feasts I will remove from you; they are a burden and a reproach to you.”
As I read this passage, I knew that my heart had been completely healed. I could tangibly feel the heavy burden of this incredible heartbreak being lifted off. God had been with me every step of the way and He will do the same for you. My broken heart had been quieted with His love as He sang over me. When God Almighty is singing over you, every other voice or thought contrary to His Word must be silent.
Most importantly, God said He was removing the sorrows for the appointed feasts. The appointed feasts were the holidays and He calls them a burden and a reproach (shame or disgrace). I knew He was saying I would never suffer through another holiday again. I was amazed by the detail in His Word. Two weeks later I celebrated my 37th birthday. I awoke to a silent house as I lay in bed and considered my healed heart. I knew that I could either go the direction of sorrow for what was missing or believe God that my heart was healed and look to Him for the hope of a new future. I made a decision to be healed, just as He said I was.
As you walk through the holidays this year, my most heartfelt prayer is that you allow God to remove the burden of the broken places in your heart. Spend time in His presence and allow Him to quiet you with his love and remove the sorrows for your holidays. He is willing and able. I pray that you are too.